I've mentioned that Lucy is not a good night sleeper. I can count the number of good nights we've had on one hand since she's been born (two 7-hour stretches, two 8-hour stretches, and one 9 hour and 22 minute stretch.. yep, every minute counts... and also, this shows that she can do it!!). Other than that, here is a typical night: do our little bedtime routine, put Lucy to sleep, and, on average, get a 3 hour stretch and then she wakes up. Every stretch after that, on average, is only about 1.5-2.5 hours. This means that Ryan and I are up about 5-7 times every night and the ONLY way that Lucy will go back to sleep is if I nurse her. We've tried just soothing her by putting her pacifier back in and by rubbing her among many other things. We've tried not picking her up, we've tried picking her up... nothing works. Once in a blue moon she will take her pacifier and fall back to sleep but without fail, she is up 30 minutes later. Every time. Even when I do give in and just nurse her, she's awake again less than a couple hours later usually. There have been times where I have attempted letting her just cry when she wakes up like that, but the longest I have made it is an hour and a half and she was completely hysterical by the time I finally went in and it took another entire hour just to soothe her and get her breathing to calm down again too.
All of these signs make it seem like she might be hungry during the night, which I thought was maybe the case. Although, she is doing worse now than when she was a newborn! But I don't think she is hungry. I have been cluster feeding a lot in the evenings to make sure she's getting a lot of nursing in, and she has been eating rice cereal in the evenings for about a week now as well (which I thought would help, but not the case). When I do go to nurse her in the middle of the night to get her to calm down and go back to sleep, she sometimes will just latch on and not even really eat, but just relax and go back to sleep, so I know she's not hungry! Additionally, Lucy's pediatrician said she is healthy and since her tummy issues and reflux are now under control, he knows she is fine and said that at this point he would expect her to be able to do an 8-11 hour stretch at night without needing to wake up to eat.
I've given many sleep training efforts a chance for days/weeks at a time and nothing has stuck or worked. Ryan and I are so sleep deprived that it's becoming a very negative thing (not being able to function or do anything during the day, waking up late for work after being up all night, my emotions are a little unstable, etc.). We are to the point where we don't know what to do other than to let her cry it out all night long and not go in to soothe her for a few nights in a row in hopes that that will solve the problem. We've actually had many people, including Lucy's pediatrician, say that that would do the trick, but I just have a REALLY hard time going longer than I already have with crying-it-out since she gets so hysterical. But maybe that's just how hysterical all babies get when people let them cry it out and she will get over that...? I don't know.
Anyway, I am most certainly NOT asking for ANY sympathy because, as I already mentioned, there are so many people out there who have things way way worse than we do and when I think about those things, I am grateful that our only problem now is nighttime sleep. In fact, I actually feel a little silly posting all of this because of that. But, I've been praying like crazy for inspiration as to what to do about this situation and the last few days I have just felt like I should throw this situation out there on my blog to everyone reading this. So I am hoping someone out there who reads this might have some advice... anything.... that might help us figure out how to make things get better instead of worse in this department. Maybe someone else has had a similar problem, or knows someone who has had a similar problem, and can offer some suggestion that might be what works for Lucy/us. So if you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE either leave a comment, text me, call me, or email me at brittney84(at)gmail(dot)com. Thank you!!
10 comments:
DON'T feel silly for posting this! Having a young baby is one of the hardest things ever and a lack of sleep makes everything in your life sooooo, soooo hard!
I can't think of any brilliant ideas right now - stinkin' pregnant brain! ;) I'll dwell on it and email you. Love ya tons and know that it WILL get better!
hey brittney! soo, formerly fussy babies are the crappiest sleepers. it's just the truth. not all babies cry for that long or cry that hard. however, some babies do. my friend had to let her 3 month old cry 3 hrs! so let me just tell you my experience with cry it out:
lucy: at 3 months, we were so so so tired, and decided that even if she was hungry, she needed to CIO because she/we needed sleep. she took 1.5 hrs the first night, over 1.5 hrs the next, and only 20 mins the next. then she was sleeping thru the night.
atticus: being a 2nd child, i was worn out so much faster. at 5 weeks, i started letting him CIO for naps because i was going insane. i let him cry 2 hrs sometimes! then we found out that his stomach issues weren't gone. then i did it again at 3 or 4 months?? it took him crying 1-2 hrs for each sleep period for 2 weeks. but he got the hang of it. the ENTIRE time i was beside myself wondering if he was hungry/not tired, but it was worth it.
i've talked to dozens of moms about this stuff. i've never heard any mom who let their kid cry til they fell asleep (and stuck with it for a few days) say that they regretted it. and i've never heard of a kid it didn't work for - as long as the parents stuck with it. like i said, atticus took 2 full weeks. and even then he was still waking up a ton at night, and we had to start doing CIO during the night.
there are always setbacks with CIO, too. when they start crawling, standing, cruising, walking... i'm having to do it with atticus again because he's starting to wake up after every sleep cycle. it is HORRIBLE!
good luck! please update!
also, i have a friend who is VERY sensitive to her daughter crying. if she let's her cry too long, she gets depressed. she let her daughter cry for 3 hrs, and came downstairs to my apartment with her video monitor so i could distract her. the entire time she was close to tears. then the daughter finally fell asleep. when she woke up, she was happy! so it's not like they remember it. now that friend is ok with it because she sees it doesn't damage them or something. they forget 2 seconds later.
Brittany, I am a real believer in cry it out for babies but it is so hard! The biggest thing is being consistent with it. Babies are smart and they will remember if you go pick them up eventually! I have a friend who puts a fan in her room to block out her baby crying so that it's not as hard on her to hear the crying during the night. Good luck! And just remember, mama always knows best!
Hey Britt,
I had a similar situation with Mia, my first. I kid you not she was up every 1 1/2 to 2 hours until she was several months old. I was still getting up twice a night when she was 9 months old. I know, I was a dumb first time mom. Anyway, once I realized she wasn't really hungry because she would play instead of eat I decided I had had enough. This was the key for me. I got over the guilt that I was somehow traumatizing or hurting Mia. And.....I got earplugs! They saved me seriously. You aren't going to be solving your problem of no sleep if you can still hear her. Get some earplugs. And don't feel guilty. Each of the 3 nights (yes, it only took 3 nights) Mia stopped crying after 20-30 minutes. I only know this because that was all I lasted before the earplugs bothered me and I took them out. She was no longer crying. I feel for you. Luckily my other two were much better sleepers. I think it was because they were bottle fed. I don't know. You are a trooper.....trying this at a much younger age than I did with Mia but I waited waaaayyyy too long with her. You are not going to be the best parents you can be if you are always exhausted. You can do it. Lucy will be fine. Babies are resilient. She will not remember it. And the last thing to remember is that it will not take nearly as long for her to stop crying in terms of minutes or days. It will get better. You will all be happier. Good luck girl!
I made Matt do it because I couldn't handle it. Make sure she is fed and then leave the house if you have to. It will take a few days, but once you get the night time down naps will fall into place to. Let me know if you need help! I am your visiting teacher (even though I suck)!!
Brittney,
First off, don't feel the least bit bad for posting this. Chronic sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, in my opinion. You're absolutely not alone in your struggle.
Secondly, let me be the first commenter to openly be against crying it out. It's not the only solution. Just because everyone else does it, doesn't mean it's right for you. Especially if you feel that against it. Follow your instincts. I didn't ever do CIO with my son. I did it once with my daughter (you sort of know what she was like, right), because I was in the same place you're in except she was 10 months old and I literally was going insane and felt like I truly didn't have any other choice. It's wasn't part of "sleep training", it was pure desperation, and afterward I swore that I would never do it again.
I can point you to research that shows the damage of CIO if you're interested. Just let me know. That's all I'll say about that since I don't want to tick off every other mom that's commenting.
All that said, a couple things came to my mind when reading your post. Oh, and first, ((((((((HUGS)))))))) - I feel for you. I feel for you so much.
You're most likely right, that she doesn't need to eat. That means she just needs you. I read a lot about "high needs" babies with Linnea and one of the biggest themes was just to meet their needs. No matter how silly or irrational or unnecessary they seem to you, they are needs to your baby. Meet her needs.
So, you need to find a way to meet her need for your comfort and companionship (nursing) several times throughout the night, but you also need to get decent sleep. The solution I see? Cosleep. Learn to nurse on your side, laying down and cosleep. Especially if she only needs to latch on for a minute and then is settled again. You barely have to wake up at all, let along get out of bed. You could put up rails in your bed and put her in bed with you, or put a mattress on her floor against the wall and put her between you and wall on the mattress. There are lots of ways to make it work and be safe.
I love Dr. Sears. His books are website have been invaluable for me. He supports cosleeping, and has written several articles about the benefits, how to do it safely, etc. Here's a link:
http://www.askdrsears.com/search/node/cosleeping
By meeting her needs, you forge a relationship of trust, love, affection, caring, etc. She knows you'll always be there for her, and never abandon her. She's grow more confident and over time rely on you less and less to settle herself when she wakes.
It might not work as fast as CIO, but it's worth it, I think.
Please let me know if I can do anything to help you. It's hard. It's SO HARD. I've been there all too recently myself, so I totally understand everything you wrote.
Good luck!!!
PS, If cosleeping isn't for you, or if it doesn't work out (it didn't work out with us and our daughter), there are lots of gentle sleep training methods out there to try as well. "the no-cry sleep solution" is a book that tons of non-CIO moms love.
we let ashlynn cry it out, but she was always pretty good at sleeping.
one thing i would think is that since she is really just latching on to calm down, maybe you could pump and feed through a bottle that has nipples that match pacifier nipples. (nuk brand has always been my fave with bottles/pacies) then when she wants to be calmed, she has the matching shape and texture to suck on, and then you aren't a human crying relief. do you have a music box or mobile that plays music or displays an image. music helps ashlynn sleep. and if you have to let her cry it out, she will be ok. your pediatrician wouldn't tell you to do it if it was bad for them. she will get hysterical enough that she will eventually sleep. it will be harder on you than on her! and really, what do you remember from your first year of life???
anyway, there are a few suggestions and like i said in my text, if you haven't yet, give her a blessing!
oh! and don't ever worry about comparing your problems to others! you have a problem that is very much a big deal for you (if i wasn't sleeping, it would be for me as well) so i'm glad you posted and can get some advice and tips from others!
(and lets just face it, most likely she just really misses her auntie lisa and really wants some time with me and is struggling with the lack of auntie lisa 1-on-1!) give that little miss lucy lots of kisses and hugs for me and tell her i said that she should be better for her mommy and daddy! <3
We did the cry it out method after trying a few non crying methods. It was super tough letting my little guy cry it out, but after 4 months of sleep deprivation and being close to going crazy I was willing to try anything. The first night he cried for about 1.5hrs as I sat out side his door listening to music on my iPod. I let him cry for 5 min at first went in and checked on him, then 7 min, 12 min, then every 20 min till he fell asleep. The second night was the same way except I cried as well while I waited for him to fall asleep. He figured it out within a few days. I did the same thing with his naps and it helped him figure it out faster. He was a horrible napper before we started letting him CIO, but once his naps were long and constant he began sleeping through the night (7-7). It was heaven and I was a completely different person once I got sleep again, my husband was the first to point it out! It's tough, but you just have to stick with it, I don't regret letting him CIO, especially if you know they aren't hungry and just need you as a "security blanket" you can do this! Good luck and I hope Lucy is able to figure things out soon!
I think you have lots and lots of great advice here. I think I've probably already given you way too much advice. You're probably tired of hearing it. :) All I can say is aside from your loss of sleep (which is extremely hard to deal with, I know), some day you will probably look back on this experience with fondness. While actually going through sleepless nights with each kid, it seemed horrible and difficult. Like the biggest trial I have ever endured. And now, I look back and have really sweet thoughts of being up with my babies during the peaceful, non-hectic night. Weird, huh. It will end. You will figure it out. Just do what you feel comfortable with. I love you lots! You will sleep again someday!
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